I haven’t blogged in so long, because I guess I felt that I need to have the full story, in order… Obviously, since I was still prego last time I wrote, a ton has happened since then. I have a beautiful almost-five-month-old daughter, and no blogging since before her birth.
I have resigned myself to the fact that I will not be able to tell the daily, weekly, or even monthly stories that would comprise my desired blog. So today, I start from where I am. Sometimes I’ll refer back, sometimes I’ll talk about things that may not matter to others. I need to do this though, for me. Writing my feelings helps me reiterate my blessings, frustrations, joy, and reality. I have nothing to hide, so I’ll just be writing freely.
A few weeks back, I realized that I was never satisfied with my personal feeling of accomplishment on a daily basis, when I’d finally lie down to sleep. I felt that I worked all day, and nothing seemed done. I am mildly OCD when it comes to order and control. I am also unable to function normally without medication to keep my thoughts in order. I hadn’t taken those meds since I became pregnant, and no longer having pregnancy to blame for my scatter brain, I realized I needed to regain control of some things. I made an appointment with my psychiatrist to get back on my meds. I made a ton of todo lists, arranged into daily, weekly, monthly, and misc categories. If I’m not on the meds, I can’t remember what needs to be done, or I can’t seem to multi-task or finish a job I started. When I’m on the meds, my brain is running so efficiently, that I can’t keep up with all of the things it is remembering to do. My lists, although long, specific, and scary looking to the naked eye, have kept me in line, helping me to do a much better job keeping up the household and remembering to even shower.
I also wanted to regain control of my relationship with my family. I was so frustrated that the kitchen was a mess, or that the laundry wasn’t folded, that I failed to realize that we forgot Maisie’s “tummy time” and Aristana was still begging me to play with her, well into the evening. Mike got home from work, to a wife that was frazzled, and kids that wanted so much more attention than I gave them that day.
The meds definitely helped. The lists definitely helped. Things were looking up, but something was still so obviously missing. Ironically, I needed to ADD something to my schedule, in order to make it simpler. I decided that instead of getting up with the first sign of one of the girls waking, hoping for every last drop of sleep I could squeeze out, I would set my alarm for 5am, and spend time with God. Thankfully, I have a coffee pot with a timer. It seems that the smell of the freshly brewed welcome-to-the-morning drink did a much better job waking me than my alarm. I don’t think I actually heard the alarm for the first week or so. I grabbed my favorite cheesy, 1980’s Mickey Mouse mug, and with a hot cup of morning ammo in hand, I’d sit on the couch, sun streaming in on my shoulders, and pick up a book of reflections I received from my mom on Mother’s Day. I’d read a chapter, in the quiet, by myself, and reflect on the attached bible passage. Every day, the story would reflect to a tee, something that I was going through at that time. The Lord knows how to speak to us! The first day, after putting down the book, I started to pray, which quickly turned into a conversation, followed by tears of joy for the many, many, many, many blessings in my life. With a heart FULL of peace and thanks, I said “Amen,” and opened my eyes to see the trees blowing in the breeze, the sun bright, the white fluffy clouds dotting the sky, someone walking down the sidewalk, cars entering the parking lot of the business across the street. I could hear birds, dogs, cars driving down the street, the fan in our living room, the breeze as it flowed through the leaves on the trees. I smelled the grass, the scent of the candle on our mantle, the lingering smell of the toaster from Mike’s breakfast. EVERYTHING BECAME CLEAR! I am surrounded by the gifts of God. He has given all of these things to me! By adding another very important and wonderful “chore” to my ever growing list, everything that was once taken for granted, became some of the most important things in my day. Gratitude and peace had replaced my worry and disappointment. As I wiped away the residual tears, I heard Maisie’s faint cooing over the baby monitor. For the first time in weeks, I was so excited to know my day was starting… noted by the most wonderful sound in the world. My precious little spit-up, gas ball princess.
Thank you God! Thank you for EVERYTHING!
I want to add a fantastic entry I just read from “Chicken Soup for the Mother-of-Preschoolers Soul.”
Time Well Spent
Are you a mother? Do you ever wonder
if you accomplish much each day?
When you see the floor that didn’t get mopped
Or the laundry still not put away?
If you sometimes feel discouraged,
I’ve a few questions to ask of you.
Perhaps it’s time to take a look at all the things you do.
Did you fold a paper airplane?
Did you wash a sticky face?
Did you help your child pick up toys and put them in their place?
Did you pull a wagon, push a swing
Or build a blanket tent?
If so, let me tell you that your day was quite well spent.
Did you turn the TV off and send the children out to play?
And then watch them from the window as you prayed about their day?
When they tracked mud on your kitchen floor,
Did you try hard not to scold?
Did you snuggle close as prayers were said
And bedtime stories told?
Did you wipe away a tear? Did you pat a little head?
Did you kiss a tender cheek
As you tucked your child in bed?
Did you thank God for your blessings,
For your children heaven-sent?
Then rest assured, dear mother,
Your time was quite well spent.
Did you make sure they brushed their teeth today?
Did you comb tangles from her hair?
Did you tell them they should do what’s right,
Though life’s not always fair?
Did you quiz her on her spelling words,
As you tried hard not to yawn?
Did you marvel at how tall he is
And wonder where his childhood’s gone?
Did you buy another gallon of milk?
Was that broccoli you cooked?
Did you straighten your son’s tie and say
How handsome he looked?
Did you hold your tearful daughter
when her teenage heart was broken?
Did you help her find some peace of mind,
Although few words were spoken?
Did you help him choose a college and get the applications sent?
Did you feel a little wistful
At how quickly the years went?
Did you help her pack a suitcase
And try hard not to cry?
Did you bravely smile and smooth her hair
As you hugged her good-bye?
Do you hold them in your prayers
although your arms must let them go?
Do you tell them that you love them,
So they will always know?
To make a home where love abides
Is a great accomplishment
And to serve God as a mother is
To live a life well spent